Give me a second, I, I need to get my story straight

I’m back! I’m back where I used to be – the beautiful land of Kota Kinabalu. I have been away from home for about 5 years and this place has become nostalgic to me. It’s strange to see buildings have changed, the overall landscape has shifted slightly, even the behavior of the residents seems different. Somehow feeling like I’m the stranger myself living in the place I grew up in.

Disconnection.

Back when I used to return for semester breaks, it was easier.

Making new friends that you can literally say “Hi.” “Bye.” to because I’ll be leaving a couple of days anyway. There was no commitment to preserve that friendship. I won’t be seeing you in the next 4 months or the next year. Maybe even never.

Conversations that dwells on small talks sickens me but it was a fast and careless process. But now, keeping a conversation aflame is no easy feat. I begin needing to learn how to talk again, finding what interests them, making mental notes of their dislikes – all of those just so they can find me bearable the next time we meet.

I totally understand and stand by the fact that “Time don’t stand still while you’re away“. Of course, I don’t expect the people to stay exactly the same of where they live, what they do, people they meet, what they have become. But it would be nice that they are that kind of ‘same’ before I left.

Now, I’m the new girl in the group that I once joined; the unrelatable person in conversations. It surprises me how much I’m bothered by such things. I was the one that welcomes new faces, perform silly things to make them feel more comfortable, approach them like I’m the bravest person that I can be. Now, I require introducing myself like a guest.

Is this really my home?

I ask myself that every now and then. And sometimes the extreme:

Would I feel better if I was away again?

The brain feels more grief and pain in a comfortable nook.