Waiting to Board

I’m at Coffee Bean waiting for my boyfriend until his working hour ends at 5pm. 

I’m trying to journal my daily life as much as possible, but I do worry if it’s too mundane to write about what I had for breakfast or what music I’m currently listening to or the reasons why I’m drinking ice blended chocolate at this hour where I’m supposed to be in the office typing away Excel sheets.

I took a half day off work because I’m flying off to KL later tonight! I’m SO excited. The feeling is similar to when I was flying back to KK from there for semester break. I guess living in a place for a couple of years creates a substitute image of home, subconsciously.

So here I am sipping away at my Double Chocolate ice blended beverage fantasizing and mentally planning all the activities to do and all the places that I miss about that place. One thing that I go nuts about is eating a delicious, melt-in-your-mouth roasted pork. Somehow, the ones in KK are not yet up to par to ones in KL.

And my friends! I miss them so so much. I didn’t have many close friends during my university days, only a handful. Most of them moved to Singapore so it’s difficult to organise a meet-up due to the difference in public holidays and travelling expenses. BUT I managed to persuade one of my close guy friend to come back! He’s not like my very best friend that I share my whole life to or take advices from. I guess I can say it’s because of our stubbornness, we became close. Doesn’t make sense, right?

You know the good friends vs. best friend meme? We’re like that: we want to get our point out there, unafraid of rejection and judgement.

It’s 4pm now. 1 hour more to go!


Repost: Personal Essay: Averting the Apocalypse, Quietly

Writing, it occurred to me then, is something incredibly pure— without sound, or pictures, or someone else to guide your words. It’s just your brain and the page staring back at you, daring you to say something no one has ever said before, shaming you when you lazily recite the ideas of others, compelling you to unearth what your true values are, and pressuring you with the prospect of posterity to do so with a stark elegance that is forever the envy of other mediums.

Ultimately, the root of my guilt about being a writer is captured by a proverb we’ve all heard more or less since birth: actions speak louder than words. But maybe it’s not sheer volume and brute force that’s required today. Maybe the key ingredient that’s been lacking all along is not swift action but quiet contemplation, not speaking loudly but listening patiently. And maybe we need a world wherein we escape from our outside influences and pour ourselves onto the page, and then show those pages to anyone willing to give them a chance. In short, we need a world that writes. We need a world that reads. And we need fiction.

Blogs/Pages linked: Personal Essay: Averting the Apocalypse, Quietly

Accidental trashed

okay i just realised that if i delete any pictures from my wordpress media library, the blog post that have that particular picture i deleted will not show anymore. and you would have zero idea on what i’m referring to in the picture.

lesson learned.

never delete anymore pictures in the media library.

so if you see this post, i’m talking about a game from playstore that challenges your sensitivity to colours. go check it out!

On Wanting, Shame, and Artistic Ambition

Sonya Huber

You didn’t get the grant that would have affirmed your talent and promise. You don’t have a book to hold in your hands that would make all this flailing on the page real. You have been immersed in a deep well of inquiry and making, which is sometimes lonely business, and you want to share it for sense of connection it brings, but it’s not ready yet. Some things are deep underground in these dark days, in the process of becoming. Other things out in the world are wicked and wily. To add to the overall sense of doom, the words you love so much are being flung and twisted for the sake of harm, threat, and injury. The world says no.

I have been thinking about ambition, wanting, and rejection—and shame. And I noticed my brain doing something this morning that I had to talk myself out of, so…

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Passion vs. Obligation

i feel like i’m wasting away my life doing the things i don’t enjoy. but i can’t seem to come up with a better job that i enjoy AND earn a living. it’s not because i don’t want to. it’s because i DON’T KNOW what i like doing and is willing is do it for the rest of my life.

i think it this way:

  1. if i continue doing what i’m currently doing, i feel as if my life is leading to no where. it’s purposeless and unfulfilling. i mean, obviously, a 9 to 5 job is never fun. it depends on you (myself) to see it in a different perspective to make it seem more fun and meaningful. but i do feel like i should give it a second chance because the company i’m currently in is much less than ideal. so it’s either working elsewhere (i have sent so many resumes out and none of them have replied for the last 5 months *depressed*) or i find a job that’s in the same field but has a different work scope. i’ve actually thought about it and have chosen a place that fits this category. the problem is, it’s not in my hometown. it’s at the place where i just moved back from. *sigh* what a mess.
  2. if i quit my job, i would need to feed on grass for a while before i discover what i enjoy doing. i would have no income and my life will be like dandelion seeds floating with the wind hoping to find a suitable place to land and grow. this uncertain path is horrifying, but the element of challenge and adventure is intriguing. but there’s also, what if i can’t find my passion? what do i do then?
  3. if i stay in my current job while searching for my “passion”, i would have an income – an important ingredient to pursue whatever passion that i may find enjoyable. but how do i search when 8 to 9 hours of my day is occupied by something that doesn’t quite matter to me?

i guess the question comes down to this: how much am i willing to give up to get a better future? (or a future that i want)

i never really excelled at only one thing. maybe it’s because my mind wander often and can’t stay still at one spot. it’s always moving – chasing the future and revisiting the past.

when it comes to academics, i’d fail almost every paper tests or class quizzes. but when it really mattered, i’d get a few surprising As, a whole lot of Bs and surely some Cs. the papers that were graded As provided indications as to what i was good at. but they were subjects that brought very vague ideas of what i can pursue during that time; English, Maths, Moral Studies. unlike science subjects, they provide a clearer career path.

usually (doesn’t mean always), if you’re not so gifted in academics, sports is the other way to go. i love being active and sweating it out. i’m not good at running but i don’t mind running. i mean, everyone can run. it’s only a matter of stamina and endurance. one sport that i thought maybe i could go pro was badminton. it was my go-to sport – if there’s a badminton scheduled, i’m there. again, i’m not good at it but i loved it. i guess that’s exactly why i didn’t/couldn’t pursue it as a career – i didn’t love badminton more than any other sport.

i wanted my skills and abilities to be shared equally. i didn’t like the idea of being good at only ONE thing. say, if someone needed my help or advice, i wanted to be able to provide some information of that particular topic even though it is little. i wanted to be reliable in many different ways even though i’m only a cup half full.

I struggle with this inclination to want to do everything & anything. I end up doing a bit of everything & never fully concentrating on one thing. It’s always safer to do a bit of all, to not put your eggs all in one basket.

i share so much in common with Mr. Confused too:

  • I like to write, but can never seem to finish a project because I keep shifting between novel, short story, screenplay, comic, and other genres. This has been a hobby since childhood, but the inability to finish stories started around college.
  • I like to draw (on paper or the computer), but get discouraged because I can never get my drawings to look how I see them in my head. I’ve been sketching and drawing since childhood, but it’s never been a serious pursuit.
  • I love animals but have never been able to get my own because I spend too much time at work.
  • I love to learn and would have stayed in college for at least two or three more degrees if I could have afforded it.
  • I’m super organized and efficient. (Skills that benefit me in my game dev management work.)
  • Working behind a desk (and in a standard 9-to-5) saps my will to live.
  • My tastes can be extremely varied. I get an equal amount of enjoyment from going to the symphony and a roller derby match, for example.
  • I have no idea what I’d do if money was no object.
  • I’m naturally creative, but I can’t focus it to a single medium. Interior design and architecture interest me greatly, but so does digital painting, sculpting, and building with Legos.

I could keep going, but I’m sure you can appreciate my frustration. I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I have now isn’t it.

am i overthinking it though? am i supposed to just suck it in for the rest of my life without complaining each and every moment of my misery? or is “find your passion and you would never work a day in your life” overrated? can i find something that can accommodate the “jack of all trade” personality in me?

Because right now with nothing in particular to be looking forward to in my future, my past is still casting its shadow of regret.

blogs/pages linked: Sophie Willo, Mr. Confused

Nice to meet you

between the age of 13 to 16, i have always wanted to know what kind of person am i. it was a strange feeling. i knew i loved my mum’s cooking but i didn’t know what kind of food i love to eat. i knew that i enjoy being around my friends, but i didn’t know what qualities or the mutual interests that kept me with them. i knew i love love, being in love, seeing love, but what is it about love that attracts me?

between the age of 13 to 16, i was a hunter. i needed to know who i am and what made me happy what make me unhappy. i would take tests after tests to find out what my personality is. how i was described in words. during that time, reading about horoscopes was popular. i didn’t really believed what it said would happen about my love life, work, luck and health. but it did made me feel like i’ve gotten closer to understanding what kind of person i am.

then i found out there’s such thing called the 16 personality test (essentially the Myers Briggs test), which revolves around 4 types: Analysts, Diplomats, Sentinels, Explorers. and from these four, they’re branched out to 4 more types. you’d have to go through a number of questions for the system to accurately pinpoint what kind of personality you have. (i’ve take the test twice and got INFJ both times. tell me if we’re personality buddies!)

and you know about the test you see in Facebook. the “what’s your dominant personality trait?” “which Disney Princess are you?” “how sensitive is your OCD radar?” to name a few.

during those years, i felt so lost. i didn’t know who i was. i felt like i didn’t have an identity that people can remember me by. “what’s so special about me that others don’t already have?“. those tests helped a lot, but i was able to stop asking myself those questions and started feeling more confident after i came to a point where enough is enough. i had to stop questioning my existence. i stopped needing acknowledgement from other people, and made mine the highest priority. i made myself see and accept who i am.

it’s a process, a journey.

i stopped beating myself up for my mistakes because those mistakes doesn’t define what kind of person i am. i am human. even if i was an animal, a plant, whatever living thing in the world, mistakes are inevitable.

i’m 24 years old this year. i’ve gained 3kg in the past 2 months. i love chocolate and cheese – even more if they’re combined. i’m really bad at small talks. i love talking about life and philosophical topics. i find it difficult to meet new people. i’m afraid of the dark. i love staying home to cook and other domestic stuff. i’m not uninterested nor angry when i’m quiet, just tired. i have a resting bitch face but i assure you i’m quite friendly.

Spending to feel empowered

we buy things in order to feel in control.

sometimes we aren’t or can’t control how our lives are turning out to be. so we indulge in food, in clothes, in adventures. we spend on something to own that item. by spending on things we may or may not need, we suppress that constant nagging from life that keeps changing.

we want to feel in control so we buy things to own it, to mold it, to control it, to have the idea of,”at least i have something i have control of.”

as a result, we develop an unconscious need to spend when we face something that we cannot restrain from happening or push to happen. 

no doubt that after a few visits to different boutiques, or cafes, a couple more bags to hold (your arm is at the verge of breaking and tearing, especially from those bags that digs into your palm), we feel empowered. we feel extra rich even though we’ve actually spent. our purse/wallet feels lighter but our spirits are lifted higher.

and then a few days later we feel like crap again, maybe even worst because we realised that the happiness we felt a couple days ago was only temporary.

and the cycle starts all over again.

and you wish you had a strapped jacket and be locked in confinement to stop spending every single week of the day.

but then you see a really cute bag and that gorgeous new heels.