Nice to meet you

between the age of 13 to 16, i have always wanted to know what kind of person am i. it was a strange feeling. i knew i loved my mum’s cooking but i didn’t know what kind of food i love to eat. i knew that i enjoy being around my friends, but i didn’t know what qualities or the mutual interests that kept me with them. i knew i love love, being in love, seeing love, but what is it about love that attracts me?

between the age of 13 to 16, i was a hunter. i needed to know who i am and what made me happy what make me unhappy. i would take tests after tests to find out what my personality is. how i was described in words. during that time, reading about horoscopes was popular. i didn’t really believed what it said would happen about my love life, work, luck and health. but it did made me feel like i’ve gotten closer to understanding what kind of person i am.

then i found out there’s such thing called the 16 personality test (essentially the Myers Briggs test), which revolves around 4 types: Analysts, Diplomats, Sentinels, Explorers. and from these four, they’re branched out to 4 more types. you’d have to go through a number of questions for the system to accurately pinpoint what kind of personality you have. (i’ve take the test twice and got INFJ both times. tell me if we’re personality buddies!)

and you know about the test you see in Facebook. the “what’s your dominant personality trait?” “which Disney Princess are you?” “how sensitive is your OCD radar?” to name a few.

during those years, i felt so lost. i didn’t know who i was. i felt like i didn’t have an identity that people can remember me by. “what’s so special about me that others don’t already have?“. those tests helped a lot, but i was able to stop asking myself those questions and started feeling more confident after i came to a point where enough is enough. i had to stop questioning my existence. i stopped needing acknowledgement from other people, and made mine the highest priority. i made myself see and accept who i am.

it’s a process, a journey.

i stopped beating myself up for my mistakes because those mistakes doesn’t define what kind of person i am. i am human. even if i was an animal, a plant, whatever living thing in the world, mistakes are inevitable.

i’m 24 years old this year. i’ve gained 3kg in the past 2 months. i love chocolate and cheese – even more if they’re combined. i’m really bad at small talks. i love talking about life and philosophical topics. i find it difficult to meet new people. i’m afraid of the dark. i love staying home to cook and other domestic stuff. i’m not uninterested nor angry when i’m quiet, just tired. i have a resting bitch face but i assure you i’m quite friendly.

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jemehh

I write about things I feel and think. But sometimes these two gets into a fight. Hence, the name Contradictory Dialogues.

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