Passion vs. Obligation

i feel like i’m wasting away my life doing the things i don’t enjoy. but i can’t seem to come up with a better job that i enjoy AND earn a living. it’s not because i don’t want to. it’s because i DON’T KNOW what i like doing and is willing is do it for the rest of my life.

i think it this way:

  1. if i continue doing what i’m currently doing, i feel as if my life is leading to no where. it’s purposeless and unfulfilling. i mean, obviously, a 9 to 5 job is never fun. it depends on you (myself) to see it in a different perspective to make it seem more fun and meaningful. but i do feel like i should give it a second chance because the company i’m currently in is much less than ideal. so it’s either working elsewhere (i have sent so many resumes out and none of them have replied for the last 5 months *depressed*) or i find a job that’s in the same field but has a different work scope. i’ve actually thought about it and have chosen a place that fits this category. the problem is, it’s not in my hometown. it’s at the place where i just moved back from. *sigh* what a mess.
  2. if i quit my job, i would need to feed on grass for a while before i discover what i enjoy doing. i would have no income and my life will be like dandelion seeds floating with the wind hoping to find a suitable place to land and grow. this uncertain path is horrifying, but the element of challenge and adventure is intriguing. but there’s also, what if i can’t find my passion? what do i do then?
  3. if i stay in my current job while searching for my “passion”, i would have an income – an important ingredient to pursue whatever passion that i may find enjoyable. but how do i search when 8 to 9 hours of my day is occupied by something that doesn’t quite matter to me?

i guess the question comes down to this: how much am i willing to give up to get a better future? (or a future that i want)

i never really excelled at only one thing. maybe it’s because my mind wander often and can’t stay still at one spot. it’s always moving – chasing the future and revisiting the past.

when it comes to academics, i’d fail almost every paper tests or class quizzes. but when it really mattered, i’d get a few surprising As, a whole lot of Bs and surely some Cs. the papers that were graded As provided indications as to what i was good at. but they were subjects that brought very vague ideas of what i can pursue during that time; English, Maths, Moral Studies. unlike science subjects, they provide a clearer career path.

usually (doesn’t mean always), if you’re not so gifted in academics, sports is the other way to go. i love being active and sweating it out. i’m not good at running but i don’t mind running. i mean, everyone can run. it’s only a matter of stamina and endurance. one sport that i thought maybe i could go pro was badminton. it was my go-to sport – if there’s a badminton scheduled, i’m there. again, i’m not good at it but i loved it. i guess that’s exactly why i didn’t/couldn’t pursue it as a career – i didn’t love badminton more than any other sport.

i wanted my skills and abilities to be shared equally. i didn’t like the idea of being good at only ONE thing. say, if someone needed my help or advice, i wanted to be able to provide some information of that particular topic even though it is little. i wanted to be reliable in many different ways even though i’m only a cup half full.

I struggle with this inclination to want to do everything & anything. I end up doing a bit of everything & never fully concentrating on one thing. It’s always safer to do a bit of all, to not put your eggs all in one basket.

i share so much in common with Mr. Confused too:

  • I like to write, but can never seem to finish a project because I keep shifting between novel, short story, screenplay, comic, and other genres. This has been a hobby since childhood, but the inability to finish stories started around college.
  • I like to draw (on paper or the computer), but get discouraged because I can never get my drawings to look how I see them in my head. I’ve been sketching and drawing since childhood, but it’s never been a serious pursuit.
  • I love animals but have never been able to get my own because I spend too much time at work.
  • I love to learn and would have stayed in college for at least two or three more degrees if I could have afforded it.
  • I’m super organized and efficient. (Skills that benefit me in my game dev management work.)
  • Working behind a desk (and in a standard 9-to-5) saps my will to live.
  • My tastes can be extremely varied. I get an equal amount of enjoyment from going to the symphony and a roller derby match, for example.
  • I have no idea what I’d do if money was no object.
  • I’m naturally creative, but I can’t focus it to a single medium. Interior design and architecture interest me greatly, but so does digital painting, sculpting, and building with Legos.

I could keep going, but I’m sure you can appreciate my frustration. I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I have now isn’t it.

am i overthinking it though? am i supposed to just suck it in for the rest of my life without complaining each and every moment of my misery? or is “find your passion and you would never work a day in your life” overrated? can i find something that can accommodate the “jack of all trade” personality in me?

Because right now with nothing in particular to be looking forward to in my future, my past is still casting its shadow of regret.

blogs/pages linked: Sophie Willo, Mr. Confused

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jemehh

I write about things I feel and think. But sometimes these two gets into a fight. Hence, the name Contradictory Dialogues.

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