Self-sufficient

wp-image-1009735368

I have many shortcomings ever since I was young. Maybe it was an idea that was planted in my mind. I was the youngest among my siblings, at least 6 years apart. Whenever my dad asks me something, I’d say “I don’t know“. I didn’t say it to spite him; it was really because I didn’t know the answer to the question he asked. I was young, and lacked self-confidence. Or rather, I didn’t learn how to be or knew what it was. I was labeled as a shy person because I didn’t dared ask questions or give answers they needed to know.

Because of that, I developed a need for independence. I was afraid of asking questions, so I search for answers myself. I depended on my own abilities to seek out explanations and justifications, enough for me to complete certain tasks or whatever my random mind conjures.

The people I’m friends with or work for may misunderstand this as ‘smart‘ or ‘bright‘. But really, it’s all just a way to cover up my weakness.

Another way I do is I unconsciously surround myself with friends that are certainly not afraid to speak out their minds. They’re loud, charismatic, smart, and most importantly, funny as hell.

If I was a knight, my girl friends would symbolise my sword. They are the strongest beings I have ever met; both physically and mentally. They don’t need a man to rely on for strength. They are self-sufficient. And they protect me in ways, many I probably didn’t know they have.

Because of my shortcomings, I developed a ‘formula’ or a standard to live. I can’t always need someone else to help me if I need one. I can’t always expect that they will always be there for me. Above all, I can’t let my past experience doubt my actual abilities.

Also, because of this, I simply cannot accept it when others need help without trying it on their own. Where’s your strength? Where’s your independence? Where’s your confidence?

I’m not saying asking for help is shameful and wrong. I’m asking whether you acknowledge your abilities before giving up or not?

There’s always someone better

No, I’m not talking about love, of significant others. I’m talking about talents, about skills, and effort.

Maybe talent isn’t real. Being born talented at something is just a way people describe someone else’s effortless success. They call it “a knack” for something, or “gifted’. Like they already possess that skill in their past lives and was brought forward in this life.

If it isn’t talent, then maybe skills? We start with no skills. Like all simulation games, we need to battle monsters, or gather wood, or fix the sink to gain certain types of skills. So skills can be gained, can be sharpened and can be mastered.

Recently I had a gathering with a bunch of friends. And we were talking about how diverse our careers are. Cook, doctor, musician, singer, architect, dentist,… And then one friend said somewhere along the lines of, “Yeah, and wedding invitations can be handwritten by (my name)!” However another friend replied, “No no no. (mentions another friend’s name).”

I guess I felt mildly offended and upset that I’m not up to the other friend’s standard. I’m not good enough. Or maybe I’m just not the go-to person for things like that. Or I’m just not seen as an artsy/crafty person. You know, when you need someone to fix your computer, you know just the person to call. Or someone to make the best cheesecake, you know which number you should dial. And if you wanted advice about anything, you’d run to that person. Which got me thinking…

What am I good for anyway?

I mentioned before in this post that I’m a person who’s half full, a jack-of-all-trades, that I wanted to be at least a bit reliable in all aspects.

But because of that, there will always be someone better than what I can do, albeit many.

Which ALSO got me thinking, if the giveaway organiser only chooses people that uses the tools they’re giving away. What if their ig accounts have no poctures related to art? What if they wanna delve into that world but have no idea what to buy or the place they live don’t have that kind of supplies? Are they crossed off the list because they were judged based on the collection of pictures in their ig account?

On what happens after you jump off cliffs and other scary things

….you die.

I can’t recall was it The Last Song or The Vampires Diaries that said: eulogies aren’t for the dead to hear; they’re for comforting the living.

No matter how much pain you think or you’re truly in, there’s no greater pain than losing a person in your life that was supposed to be with you forever. If you love them, you wouldn’t harm yourself. Because the person you’re actually killing isn’t you; it’s them.

The blog I reposted had nothing to do with death but I was just reminded or prompted to write what I wrote because of her blog title.

Hudhurungi

I did a scary thing, a bold thing. But this piece is not about taking the plunge, it’s not about gathering the guts to leave your comfort zone, it is about what you experience and feel immediately after leaving your comfort zone.

I still experience bouts of fear, I still feel jittery and daunted.

This is for my fellow cliff jumpers, are you afraid too, even after the jump? Is it a bit like jumping off a cliff into the ocean and being submerged under the waves? You know that you will come up and swim, eventually, but for now the force of your jump has you under the rolling waves.

Well this is me, this is me saying that I am still scared, and if you are too, blink twice. We are learning together, are we not?

I am still daunted, still trembling in hope and fear, still learning…

View original post 187 more words