Out Goes the Old, In Comes the New

Year 2018 has been a roller coaster for me.

You see the sign “Come in and have a ride of your life!“, your eyes sparkles, intrigued. You close your eyes and hear the sound of laughter and screams in the distance, and your heart pounds in excitement. LET’S DO THIS.

Sometimes I don’t know whether I overthink things or just want to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes. And usually, when most of the outcomes are or will turn out negative than positive, I’d reject the idea seconds later. I’m subconsciously limiting myself from going beyond the norm, from thinking outside the box.

“What if I fall?
Oh, but my darling.
What if you fly?”

— Erin Hanson

When I resigned from my job early this year, I said to myself,”Time to explore”. It took quite a bit of courage and humility to step into another world to convince the interviewer and myself that I want and can do the job. It wasn’t easy to adapt.

The new environment, your new colleagues, the company’s rules and policies are the typical factors to adapt to. But what if you enter into a completely new field? Therein adds the new job scope, the way to approach and solve issues, even a change between physical and mental utilisation.

So I explored and found out things that I like doing and those that I rather not do. I was trying to find out who I am and what am I capable of again. I didn’t wanna be in the same job, doing the same scope my whole life. I intended (still do) to discover what other abilities I have and expand it. Sure, I’ve only been in the same industry for a couple of years and I have not seen nor touched most of the work involved for that job, so my judgments may be premature. But I have a pair of eyes and ears that observed and listened, and foresaw what I would do as time comes. And truth to be told, I don’t like it.

I can already hear the voices asking,”Then why did you choose this field in the first place?” “Do you know how much time and money had been invested in you?

In this day and age, everything or most things still revolves around having less or more money. How much you earn determines how successful and clever you are.

But hardly anyone asks, how happy are you doing it.

Some of us focus on earning as much money as possible, regardless of the cost to get there. Possibly, sacrificing time, discomforts and happiness.

While some of us focus of our happiness, looking for a purpose in life and then work it out from there.

It’s that cliche war (or collaboration) between doing what you love vs. loving what you do.

“When he was 21 years old, Kevin Smith saw an indie movie called Slacker which inspired him to make movies for a living. He went to film school for four months but dropped out halfway through an eight-month program so that he could keep the $5000 in saved tuition and started making a movie.

His parents gave him $3000 to help him finance the film. He rented a camera and some other gear, asking his friends to act in it as a favor to him. It took only a few weeks to shoot and was shot entirely in black and white.

The public screening only had three people show up. Smith was disappointed: “Why did you do this?” he asked himself. But then 20 minutes into watching it, he relaxed. After the movie was over, he decided to “pay the movie off and make another one, because you loved who you were when this was happening”.

— Jeff Goins in Learn to Love the Work, or Go Do Something Else

From this article I began to question myself. Do I love the me during the process from doing that work?

The answer was quick and simple.

I was uninspired, rigid and disinterested.

“Signs that it’s time to move on range from an underlying lack of inspiration and waning enthusiasm to an overwhelming unhappiness with your role. If you find yourself constantly envying friends in other fields and daydreaming about making the switch, it’s time.”

— Simon Bromwell in Is now a good time to switch career paths?

You march in there with a positive mind and a smile saying ‘nobody can stop me from doing this!‘. Time passes as you queue – 5 mins.. 10 mins.. Getting closer to your turn. Waiting and waiting, you begin to lose interest compared to when you started. Anxiety suddenly sets in ‘what if I can’t do this, what if I vomit, did I eat too much just now, what if the bolts and nuts needs to be serviced right now I mean it has gone through so many round of rides already, what if I fall off at the loop, I can’t do this‘.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

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Burnt the midnight oil

Or rather, burnt my health away.

I’m not particularly a health conscious person but I do tend to avoid messing with my body’s “natural equilibrium”. I do take supplements from time to time when I know my body is deficient from certain vitamins.

If I’m socialising and detect smelly breath, I tend to speculate that that person went to bed late. Why? Our liver wasn’t rested properly, hence the bad breath. I read this from browsing the internet. Of course some things from the internet can’t be trusted. But I’ve come across this occurrence many times and I can say that it’s true!

Anyway, I wasn’t gonna blog about health. I was gonna write about how I busy I was these couple of days that I haven’t slept for 37 hours and it was excruciating.

I can probably imagine some readers scoffing and thinking that 37 hours is nothing compare to the hours they’ve worked. Sorry to say, but I’m not here to compare. So, #bitchplease

I’ve had 10 hours of sleep and now back  in the office but still physically tired (and aching?).

I miss my bed.

And I haven’t touched my calligraphy supplies while I’ve been busy with work. I miss it but I still don’t have the energy to do any of it. The spirit is strong but my energy is still depleted.

On what happens after you jump off cliffs and other scary things

….you die.

I can’t recall was it The Last Song or The Vampires Diaries that said: eulogies aren’t for the dead to hear; they’re for comforting the living.

No matter how much pain you think or you’re truly in, there’s no greater pain than losing a person in your life that was supposed to be with you forever. If you love them, you wouldn’t harm yourself. Because the person you’re actually killing isn’t you; it’s them.

The blog I reposted had nothing to do with death but I was just reminded or prompted to write what I wrote because of her blog title.

Hudhurungi

I did a scary thing, a bold thing. But this piece is not about taking the plunge, it’s not about gathering the guts to leave your comfort zone, it is about what you experience and feel immediately after leaving your comfort zone.

I still experience bouts of fear, I still feel jittery and daunted.

This is for my fellow cliff jumpers, are you afraid too, even after the jump? Is it a bit like jumping off a cliff into the ocean and being submerged under the waves? You know that you will come up and swim, eventually, but for now the force of your jump has you under the rolling waves.

Well this is me, this is me saying that I am still scared, and if you are too, blink twice. We are learning together, are we not?

I am still daunted, still trembling in hope and fear, still learning…

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Repost: The Dark Side Of Empathic People That You Rarely See and Must Always Be Cautious Of!

Empaths are more susceptible to the negative energies in life. Their intense ability to feel can’t get away from the deep-rooted evils that exist in the world. Their deep understanding of how the world exists and operates is enough to confuse and sadden them. What they can’t understand is why this type of energy exists in the first place, if all it does is hurt others.

The dark side of being an empath is constantly being exhausted and fatigued from the energies you absorb. But, you’d never know it. Because the empath never dares break down or lose composure. They quietly observe, acknowledge and feel.

As many others do, empaths want to be loved and accepted for who they are. But, it is their generosity and kindness that often sees them being taken advantage of by those who only take, never give. Empaths are ‘givers’ by all means, ready to show kindness to those in need at all times.

The dark side of being an empath is not knowing that being so selfless places an incredibly heavy burden on one’s self. Even the empaths that do recognize the burdensome nature of their selflessness often choose to ignore it, because carrying that weight is more meaningful than letting it fall on someone else’s shoulders.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that you willingly neglect both your body and mind for the sake of others. A neglect that builds over the years, eventually resulting in the need to go soul-searching once again, a practice that we only take up when we feel completely lost.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that even when they fall in love, they never do so entirely. They simply aren’t capable of giving every ounce of their heart to someone else. They know that if they tried, the intensity of the passion would most likely be too much to handle, for themselves and their partners.

Which is why they always keep a little part of them hidden away from the rest of the world. They keep a guard up out of necessity, even if they want nothing more than to let it down and succumb to an overwhelming love.

The dark side of being an empath is the war that is always being waged within. The war they wage against the sadness, the darkness, and the sorrowful side of themselves that is always trying to rear its ugly head and lead them into self-destruction.

The only way they can fight this successfully is by learning to distinguish between emotions that are their own, and emotional energies that are imposters, invading from the outside. Empaths need people who understand who they are, people they can talk to and who will listen.

Empaths need to be able to let down the wall they’ve built up around their feelings so that they can let their empathic selves do good in their own life.

Otherwise, empaths are destined to fight a war within themselves that never ends.

– Written by Wendi

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