Out Goes the Old, In Comes the New

Year 2018 has been a roller coaster for me.

You see the sign “Come in and have a ride of your life!“, your eyes sparkles, intrigued. You close your eyes and hear the sound of laughter and screams in the distance, and your heart pounds in excitement. LET’S DO THIS.

Sometimes I don’t know whether I overthink things or just want to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes. And usually, when most of the outcomes are or will turn out negative than positive, I’d reject the idea seconds later. I’m subconsciously limiting myself from going beyond the norm, from thinking outside the box.

“What if I fall?
Oh, but my darling.
What if you fly?”

— Erin Hanson

When I resigned from my job early this year, I said to myself,”Time to explore”. It took quite a bit of courage and humility to step into another world to convince the interviewer and myself that I want and can do the job. It wasn’t easy to adapt.

The new environment, your new colleagues, the company’s rules and policies are the typical factors to adapt to. But what if you enter into a completely new field? Therein adds the new job scope, the way to approach and solve issues, even a change between physical and mental utilisation.

So I explored and found out things that I like doing and those that I rather not do. I was trying to find out who I am and what am I capable of again. I didn’t wanna be in the same job, doing the same scope my whole life. I intended (still do) to discover what other abilities I have and expand it. Sure, I’ve only been in the same industry for a couple of years and I have not seen nor touched most of the work involved for that job, so my judgments may be premature. But I have a pair of eyes and ears that observed and listened, and foresaw what I would do as time comes. And truth to be told, I don’t like it.

I can already hear the voices asking,”Then why did you choose this field in the first place?” “Do you know how much time and money had been invested in you?

In this day and age, everything or most things still revolves around having less or more money. How much you earn determines how successful and clever you are.

But hardly anyone asks, how happy are you doing it.

Some of us focus on earning as much money as possible, regardless of the cost to get there. Possibly, sacrificing time, discomforts and happiness.

While some of us focus of our happiness, looking for a purpose in life and then work it out from there.

It’s that cliche war (or collaboration) between doing what you love vs. loving what you do.

“When he was 21 years old, Kevin Smith saw an indie movie called Slacker which inspired him to make movies for a living. He went to film school for four months but dropped out halfway through an eight-month program so that he could keep the $5000 in saved tuition and started making a movie.

His parents gave him $3000 to help him finance the film. He rented a camera and some other gear, asking his friends to act in it as a favor to him. It took only a few weeks to shoot and was shot entirely in black and white.

The public screening only had three people show up. Smith was disappointed: “Why did you do this?” he asked himself. But then 20 minutes into watching it, he relaxed. After the movie was over, he decided to “pay the movie off and make another one, because you loved who you were when this was happening”.

— Jeff Goins in Learn to Love the Work, or Go Do Something Else

From this article I began to question myself. Do I love the me during the process from doing that work?

The answer was quick and simple.

I was uninspired, rigid and disinterested.

“Signs that it’s time to move on range from an underlying lack of inspiration and waning enthusiasm to an overwhelming unhappiness with your role. If you find yourself constantly envying friends in other fields and daydreaming about making the switch, it’s time.”

— Simon Bromwell in Is now a good time to switch career paths?

You march in there with a positive mind and a smile saying ‘nobody can stop me from doing this!‘. Time passes as you queue – 5 mins.. 10 mins.. Getting closer to your turn. Waiting and waiting, you begin to lose interest compared to when you started. Anxiety suddenly sets in ‘what if I can’t do this, what if I vomit, did I eat too much just now, what if the bolts and nuts needs to be serviced right now I mean it has gone through so many round of rides already, what if I fall off at the loop, I can’t do this‘.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

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Disconnected

The frequency I’ve been blogging is reducing. I’ve been so busy lately, I just wanted to compensate it with sleep and more sleep. Also I’ve got no exciting or out of the ordinary event that happened. It’s been pretty mundane. I guess I could write about my day but it’s all the same everyday. I mean, if i mention about work, it is known that there are plenty of late nights and dissatisfaction.

Ah! I just realised what I can blog about just as I wrote the previous sentence.

I’ve made new friends!

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They are colleagues from work, from other company. I work in the construction field so meeting other consultants is a usual thing. Turns out we click well with these bunch. The age group definitely varies but somehow we are able to mingle very well.

I’m usually the quiet and listen type when I’m with friends, not so much talking. But that day when we first met up for drinks, I just pushed myself to talk because I wanted to give a good first impression. Not this quiet girl that have nothing to say. That’s not very fun is it.

Burnt the midnight oil

Or rather, burnt my health away.

I’m not particularly a health conscious person but I do tend to avoid messing with my body’s “natural equilibrium”. I do take supplements from time to time when I know my body is deficient from certain vitamins.

If I’m socialising and detect smelly breath, I tend to speculate that that person went to bed late. Why? Our liver wasn’t rested properly, hence the bad breath. I read this from browsing the internet. Of course some things from the internet can’t be trusted. But I’ve come across this occurrence many times and I can say that it’s true!

Anyway, I wasn’t gonna blog about health. I was gonna write about how I busy I was these couple of days that I haven’t slept for 37 hours and it was excruciating.

I can probably imagine some readers scoffing and thinking that 37 hours is nothing compare to the hours they’ve worked. Sorry to say, but I’m not here to compare. So, #bitchplease

I’ve had 10 hours of sleep and now back  in the office but still physically tired (and aching?).

I miss my bed.

And I haven’t touched my calligraphy supplies while I’ve been busy with work. I miss it but I still don’t have the energy to do any of it. The spirit is strong but my energy is still depleted.

Passion as Purpose

Most of us tend to find ourselves in jobs that don’t inspire us nor make us happy. We accept much less than our dreams. Before we know it, we’re so far down a path that doesn’t align nor reflect with who we are or what we had originally desired for our lives.

EssenCentral

“Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things.”

– Denis Diderot

What is your purpose?”

Crickets.

I find that many people tend to get totally silent when they are confronted with this question.

It makes sense. It’s pretty big question after all.

Most of us tend to find ourselves in jobs that don’t inspire us nor make us happy. We accept much less than our dreams. Before we know it, we’re so far down a path that doesn’t align nor reflect with who we are or what we had originally desired for our lives. And the reason for this is because typically we take what we can get to get by in this crazy world. We ignore passion and purpose in lieu of money and security. Not that the latter aren’t important and necessary, but the key thing to remember is that for most of us, we…

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Resignation

I threw in (no, not really) my resignation letter in February but they said I could stay until I found a job. By June they asked if I could stay till August, otherwise they will hire to replace me. It’s August now and I still haven’t found another job. Well I did, my application wasn’t reverted. The reasons why I wanted to resign in the first place still remains. As much as there’s goodness in here, there are also much that clashes with my own work ethics, desired dynamics and personality. If I had to choose a place that goes against how I work and my natural being, and to resign and bet on a new one, I’d choose the latter.

But no adults could understand this. At least not my parents, nor siblings. To them,

Work is work. As long as it brings you cash. At least you’re employed unlike other people or places that doesn’t have this kind of privilege. Work is a duty, not a choice. It’s expected that I work my whole life with little advancement here and there, but with no true purpose besides earning a living.

You can be really good at what you’re doing, and not only not be passionate about it, but also totally loathe it.

 

Defining the Purpose of Your Life (2 min read)

You can be really good at what you’re doing, and not only not be passionate about it, but also totally loathe it.

Millionaire's Digest

What is my definition of success?

Your definition is yours, no one else’s, so you don’t need anyone’s approval and you don’t have to alter it to fit into some little “acceptable” box. But you do have to know what your definition of success is or you won’t know what your end goal is or why you’re working for it. If you define success as being able to pay the mortgage and keep the lights on and that’s what motivates you, there’s nothing wrong with that.

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Out of luck

I didn’t win the giveaway!!!! 😦 (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, refer to this post)

*sigh*

I guess the Silhouette Cameo will need to wait….

On another note, I have PLENTY to do in the office now since the drawings for the company’s largest project ever undertaken. Overtime all day errday 😦 That also means that I will have little to zero time to spend on calligraphy or my zone-out-for-art-time. I don’t think I’ll have the energy to do it either.

I did enjoy my do-nothing-in-office-days even though some days I felt like banging my head on the wall out of pure boredom and frustration (I really did, but I didn’t)

But it’s crunch time now.