Out Goes the Old, In Comes the New

Year 2018 has been a roller coaster for me.

You see the sign “Come in and have a ride of your life!“, your eyes sparkles, intrigued. You close your eyes and hear the sound of laughter and screams in the distance, and your heart pounds in excitement. LET’S DO THIS.

Sometimes I don’t know whether I overthink things or just want to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes. And usually, when most of the outcomes are or will turn out negative than positive, I’d reject the idea seconds later. I’m subconsciously limiting myself from going beyond the norm, from thinking outside the box.

“What if I fall?
Oh, but my darling.
What if you fly?”

— Erin Hanson

When I resigned from my job early this year, I said to myself,”Time to explore”. It took quite a bit of courage and humility to step into another world to convince the interviewer and myself that I want and can do the job. It wasn’t easy to adapt.

The new environment, your new colleagues, the company’s rules and policies are the typical factors to adapt to. But what if you enter into a completely new field? Therein adds the new job scope, the way to approach and solve issues, even a change between physical and mental utilisation.

So I explored and found out things that I like doing and those that I rather not do. I was trying to find out who I am and what am I capable of again. I didn’t wanna be in the same job, doing the same scope my whole life. I intended (still do) to discover what other abilities I have and expand it. Sure, I’ve only been in the same industry for a couple of years and I have not seen nor touched most of the work involved for that job, so my judgments may be premature. But I have a pair of eyes and ears that observed and listened, and foresaw what I would do as time comes. And truth to be told, I don’t like it.

I can already hear the voices asking,”Then why did you choose this field in the first place?” “Do you know how much time and money had been invested in you?

In this day and age, everything or most things still revolves around having less or more money. How much you earn determines how successful and clever you are.

But hardly anyone asks, how happy are you doing it.

Some of us focus on earning as much money as possible, regardless of the cost to get there. Possibly, sacrificing time, discomforts and happiness.

While some of us focus of our happiness, looking for a purpose in life and then work it out from there.

It’s that cliche war (or collaboration) between doing what you love vs. loving what you do.

“When he was 21 years old, Kevin Smith saw an indie movie called Slacker which inspired him to make movies for a living. He went to film school for four months but dropped out halfway through an eight-month program so that he could keep the $5000 in saved tuition and started making a movie.

His parents gave him $3000 to help him finance the film. He rented a camera and some other gear, asking his friends to act in it as a favor to him. It took only a few weeks to shoot and was shot entirely in black and white.

The public screening only had three people show up. Smith was disappointed: “Why did you do this?” he asked himself. But then 20 minutes into watching it, he relaxed. After the movie was over, he decided to “pay the movie off and make another one, because you loved who you were when this was happening”.

— Jeff Goins in Learn to Love the Work, or Go Do Something Else

From this article I began to question myself. Do I love the me during the process from doing that work?

The answer was quick and simple.

I was uninspired, rigid and disinterested.

“Signs that it’s time to move on range from an underlying lack of inspiration and waning enthusiasm to an overwhelming unhappiness with your role. If you find yourself constantly envying friends in other fields and daydreaming about making the switch, it’s time.”

— Simon Bromwell in Is now a good time to switch career paths?

You march in there with a positive mind and a smile saying ‘nobody can stop me from doing this!‘. Time passes as you queue – 5 mins.. 10 mins.. Getting closer to your turn. Waiting and waiting, you begin to lose interest compared to when you started. Anxiety suddenly sets in ‘what if I can’t do this, what if I vomit, did I eat too much just now, what if the bolts and nuts needs to be serviced right now I mean it has gone through so many round of rides already, what if I fall off at the loop, I can’t do this‘.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

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Burnt the midnight oil

Or rather, burnt my health away.

I’m not particularly a health conscious person but I do tend to avoid messing with my body’s “natural equilibrium”. I do take supplements from time to time when I know my body is deficient from certain vitamins.

If I’m socialising and detect smelly breath, I tend to speculate that that person went to bed late. Why? Our liver wasn’t rested properly, hence the bad breath. I read this from browsing the internet. Of course some things from the internet can’t be trusted. But I’ve come across this occurrence many times and I can say that it’s true!

Anyway, I wasn’t gonna blog about health. I was gonna write about how I busy I was these couple of days that I haven’t slept for 37 hours and it was excruciating.

I can probably imagine some readers scoffing and thinking that 37 hours is nothing compare to the hours they’ve worked. Sorry to say, but I’m not here to compare. So, #bitchplease

I’ve had 10 hours of sleep and now back  in the office but still physically tired (and aching?).

I miss my bed.

And I haven’t touched my calligraphy supplies while I’ve been busy with work. I miss it but I still don’t have the energy to do any of it. The spirit is strong but my energy is still depleted.

Self-sufficient

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I have many shortcomings ever since I was young. Maybe it was an idea that was planted in my mind. I was the youngest among my siblings, at least 6 years apart. Whenever my dad asks me something, I’d say “I don’t know“. I didn’t say it to spite him; it was really because I didn’t know the answer to the question he asked. I was young, and lacked self-confidence. Or rather, I didn’t learn how to be or knew what it was. I was labeled as a shy person because I didn’t dared ask questions or give answers they needed to know.

Because of that, I developed a need for independence. I was afraid of asking questions, so I search for answers myself. I depended on my own abilities to seek out explanations and justifications, enough for me to complete certain tasks or whatever my random mind conjures.

The people I’m friends with or work for may misunderstand this as ‘smart‘ or ‘bright‘. But really, it’s all just a way to cover up my weakness.

Another way I do is I unconsciously surround myself with friends that are certainly not afraid to speak out their minds. They’re loud, charismatic, smart, and most importantly, funny as hell.

If I was a knight, my girl friends would symbolise my sword. They are the strongest beings I have ever met; both physically and mentally. They don’t need a man to rely on for strength. They are self-sufficient. And they protect me in ways, many I probably didn’t know they have.

Because of my shortcomings, I developed a ‘formula’ or a standard to live. I can’t always need someone else to help me if I need one. I can’t always expect that they will always be there for me. Above all, I can’t let my past experience doubt my actual abilities.

Also, because of this, I simply cannot accept it when others need help without trying it on their own. Where’s your strength? Where’s your independence? Where’s your confidence?

I’m not saying asking for help is shameful and wrong. I’m asking whether you acknowledge your abilities before giving up or not?

So many hobbies, so little time

My mind have been so full of ideas lately. I don’t know if it’s a good thing. Recently, I met one of Tim’s colleague, Rozy and she’s crazy about cross stitching! Check out here instagram here and tell me you think her work is amazing too?!?!?! She’s currently trying to design her own patterns. I truly have no idea how does she have so much time to stitch, not one but MANY designs. My love for cross stitching rekindled when I saw her pictures. I used to be crazy about it too until I didn’t have time to do it anymore and grew another interest. You can see my stitches herehere and here.

And if you read my previous posts, I’ve been investing my time on watercolour painting lately. I used to hate it because I wasn’t very good at it. But now I’m seeing improvements so I’m enjoying it a little bit more.

I joined a copperplate calligraphy class 6 months ago from Salt x Paper and it is the most mind-blowing and liberating type of art. It was a live in the past while in the future kind of art.

Naturally, brush lettering came next after tasting the delicate art of cursive writing. This one took me a while to understand and practice because the soft tip was all too foreign to me especially for writing.

Bullet journaling is next on my things-to-do list too but I figured that I would have nothing to write or plan because honestly, my day job plus my daily life is a routine. There’s nothing to be reminded of, no appointments that need me present, no notes to copy. I have a book where I used to bujo but the only table or entry I drew each month was the habit tracker and my mood tracker. It was a huge waste to stop using that book because there were so many pages. So now I use it as a medium for my brain dump or quotes I like from a book/magazine, random doodles, notes or lists. It works for me because I’m not obliged to fill in my schedule everyday unlike the fixed calendar layout that draws out the entire day of the month. One of my pet peeve is leaving an area of a page that is supposed to be filled or blank pages.

And I love writing too! That’s why this blog exists. Of course I can just write an entry in my physical diary or type it into a Word document. But writing and uploading it into the web is great for edifying purposes and sharing of knowledge and interests and I enjoy that.

I love being active and being outdoors from time to time. And sometimes just staying home accompanied by a good book (So many books have been neglected). The problem is, I have 6 types of other hobbies listed above. How much time do I have left for other activities? I want to do them all!

When I’m working, I wished I had time for my hobbies. But when I’m free, I do nothing but scroll through instagram and pinterest or watch TV series I downloaded.

Which makes me wonder if my hobbies were my job, would I yearn for something else?

Do any of you experience this? Please advise me what I should do!

21/6/2017

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The chair has nothing to do with what’s written in the next page.

And to those that may have noticed, yes. The sketch is the chair from IKEA.

I write down quotes or phrases that I like in this book. In this particular entry, I was reading an article from a magazine reviewing about a book. The star below the phrase is the title of the book that is added to my wishlist.

On what happens after you jump off cliffs and other scary things

….you die.

I can’t recall was it The Last Song or The Vampires Diaries that said: eulogies aren’t for the dead to hear; they’re for comforting the living.

No matter how much pain you think or you’re truly in, there’s no greater pain than losing a person in your life that was supposed to be with you forever. If you love them, you wouldn’t harm yourself. Because the person you’re actually killing isn’t you; it’s them.

The blog I reposted had nothing to do with death but I was just reminded or prompted to write what I wrote because of her blog title.

Hudhurungi

I did a scary thing, a bold thing. But this piece is not about taking the plunge, it’s not about gathering the guts to leave your comfort zone, it is about what you experience and feel immediately after leaving your comfort zone.

I still experience bouts of fear, I still feel jittery and daunted.

This is for my fellow cliff jumpers, are you afraid too, even after the jump? Is it a bit like jumping off a cliff into the ocean and being submerged under the waves? You know that you will come up and swim, eventually, but for now the force of your jump has you under the rolling waves.

Well this is me, this is me saying that I am still scared, and if you are too, blink twice. We are learning together, are we not?

I am still daunted, still trembling in hope and fear, still learning…

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